It's really hard to stutter.
I mean, like, really hard.
It shuts you off from society. No one wants to speak to you because it's awkward and uncomfortable and you don't want to speak to them because it is painful and embarrassing. Pretty soon, you don't have any unread text messages or missed phone calls. Your phone becomes an emergency device and the thing you use to keep in touch with your parents because they have to talk to you.
I'm worried that the boys I have dated or the friends and acquaintances I have, are merely because they are the only ones who can bear to speak to me. The boys I have dated...well I dated them because it was exciting to have an unread text message. It was stimulating to want to check my cell phone all the time. But is that really the only reason? I would hate to think so but now I'm beginning to wonder.
Another problem is that when you are shut off from society in such a way as this, you begin to form a certain kind of pattern of thought; a certain kind of wavelength that no one else seems to be tuned to. You turn in to yourself and it's like everyone can sense it. I don't see myself as awkward or antisocial, but I've had to lean on myself for company and once you do that for some time, you suddenly can't bear the thought of commitment. You can't bear the idea of having to share everything with someone else because those secrets that you have are between you and yourself.
I fear that this makes me crazy. I fear that the wavelength I am on is sending me to a foreign place that I may never escape from because the more I am separated from society, the more I like it.
